Sometime we just want to set the rule and MAKE our kids "do what we say." But when it comes to technology, they usually know more than we do and it makes it hard to parent in the digital realm.  So rather than fighting about things you may or may not understand, stop and focus on behavior.  This contract is about behavior, balance, relationships, and respect.  Give it a try!

As a family take a few minutes to write out your answers to each of the following questions. Then, together, see where there are similarities and differences.  As the parent it is YOUR job to help your child navigate the physical and digital world.  Their input is important so you know where they are coming from but that doesn’t mean they make the rules.

What does privacy mean to you?

1. Define Privacy.
2. Give me some examples of what information should be kept private and from whom?
3. How do you decide what to post, text, retweet, like, comment, say or share? (Understanding that you give up control to both companies and the people with whom you share).

Example: The coffee person at Starbucks doesn’t need to know your favorite color is blue.  The cousin of your formidable boss in Fortnite doesn’t need to know you have a dog named Pepper.  Why?


PARENTS: What will you do if YOU see something you deem inappropriate on your child’s account?  Is there a difference if it is something your child posted vs. something a friend sent to him/her?  What will be the protocol when you see these texts, comments, pictures, videos, etc.?
 
How do you keep yourself safe with:

1. Strangers
2. Acquaintances
3. Friends

Not all strangers are dangerous and not all people who can harm you are strangers.  The person your child is “mining with” or  “following” on social media may be a child, or adult, a good person or an unsafe person.

The rule about Strangers and Acquaintances is simple: You don’t interact with them unless a trusted adult knows about it and has granted permission.

Other gamers or followers that you don’t know in real life are not bad nor good, they are just plain strangers or acquaintances.  Just because you may have played with them multiple times online or they posted a positive comment on your picture or video doesn’t make them a friend.  A friend of a friend is STILL a Stranger and/or Acquaintance – so the same rules apply.  That word friend is saved for people who:

1. You have spent a long time getting to know
2. You have build trust over a period of time
3. Your parents know or know about them

Let’s talk about trust for a moment.  Trust is a process.  It comes from setting boundaries with people and seeing if they respect those boundaries and prove they are trustworthy.  Just because someone is nice to you does not make that person a friend.  It takes TIME!

What apps may be downloaded and accounts created?
One of the best ways to approach this is to have the child ASK First!  Then as the parent you can check out the app and age restrictions in the App Store or Google Play Store or at commonsensemedia.org.  That way you can decide together if the app or account is right for your child/family.

How much screen-time is healthy for you?

Not everyday is the same, so rather than static rules that may not work for your busy household, you might want to have a more dynamic plan that can change as your daily plans change.  To help decide how much screen-time is appropriate ask yourself these questions:

1. What all needs to be accomplished today?
2. Do we have time for gaming, T.V., Youtube, Social Media, or a Movie?
3. Is your life in balance? 
4. Are you eating well, getting plenty of exercise and sleep? 
5. Are you learning and retaining information?  
6. Is your homework/studying being done in a reasonable amount of time?
7. Are you constantly fighting about screen-time and asking for 5 more minutes?
8. Do you have healthy relationships with your family and friends? 
9. Do you spend more time moving around than you do sitting around?

PARENTS: Set your kids up for success with screen time.  If they ASK FIRST for screen-time whether it is for school or fun you can respond by asking how much time they need.  That way you can help set expectations that make sense. 

Ergonomically speaking, to avoid repetitive stress injuries and maintain healthy posture you should:

1. Take frequent breaks from repetitive motion (whether it is typing, texting or gaming)
2. Spend more time active than sedentary
3. Position devices so you are ergonomically correct (avoid doing homework on your bed or with the device in your lap that causes strain on your neck).

 
Where will the devices be charged and stored when not in use?

Getting devices out of the bedroom improves quality of sleep and reduces the chances of over-use and exposure to inappropriate content.

In order to be the most successful while learning the environment must be free of distractions.  Blocking websites that distract you or turning off Messages while working or studying WILL improve efficiency as it pertains to learning and recall.

Some music (usually music without lyrics) can help focus a student.  However, you have to find the right music.  Setting small goals while doing homework and studying is also important to be successful.  If you turn your device into Do Not Disturb or Airplane Mode for a period of time while you are studying you will see results quickly.

While doing homework I will set myself up for success by:


How will you share your passwords with a trusted adult in the house?

This is not a matter of privacy but of personal safety.  Every family member in the house (including adults) should write down all accounts, usernames and passwords and make them accessible to a trusted adult.  If something was to ever happen to a member of the family, quick access to online accounts could save a life!

If you see something online that makes you feel uncomfortable (inappropriate content or inappropriate behavior including bullying) I (child) will:

PARENTS: In order to keep the lines of communication open, it is important to listen to your child and ask questions about what they saw and how it made them feel BEFORE you can work through what to do about it.  Kids often hid things from their parents for 2 reasons:

1. Parents don’t ask about their online lives
2. Kids are afraid parents will overreact and either take away the technology or make things worse.

What "tech help" might you need to form healthy and safer habits around technology?

The use of parental controls and distraction blocker software can be very helpful in shaping healthy habits.  Using what is native to the device (ScreenTime for OS and IOS and Family Options for PC users) can help set expectations around approved content and time management.  Setting content restrictions such as limiting adult content will also stop a user from private browsing and clearing history.  This can serve as an important reminder about how little privacy actually exists online. The use of distraction blocker software such as SiteBlocker or Self-Control, helps users take ownership of their productivity by blocking sites (temporarily) that are distracting (gaming, youtube, shopping and social media sites) while trying to accomplish a task.

PARENTS: If you child tells you about something they saw online, you will:
 
Technology Free Areas/Moments include:

This could be the dinner table, bedroom (always or only at bed-time) short car trips, while driving, during recitals or while watching sporting events… This rule should pertain to everyone in the home.
 
Technology Manners we will follow include:

Examples: Not texting while talking to someone face-to-face, Saying “excuse me” and walking away when you need to take a call or text someone, while hanging out with friends, paying attention to the friend rather than a mobile gaming app…
 
Name any bad habits you feel you may have with technology?

Child:

Parent:
 
How will you resolve those bad habits?

Child:

Parent:

Consequences for breach of contract include:
Make sure the consequence is directly related to the behavior.  If the child continues to argue about needing 5 more minutes after you set the time expectation, at this time, it may not be the right game for them to play.  If the child creates an account or downloads an app without permission, they may not yet be responsible enough to have the device unsupervised or at all!  If the child lies or is disrespectful, think about what the consequence would be if it wasn't technology related and apply the same logic.

Big news has hit us this week about brain morphology and screen time, and I want to weigh in as we all try to make sense of the findings. Here is the gist of what headlines are saying:

Researchers studied 4,500 9-and 10-year olds and found that many of those who spend more then 7 hours a day on screens —such as smartphones, tablets, and video games—showed premature thinning of the cortex which is the outermost layer of the brain.

This new data comes from the ABCD study funded by The National Institutes of Medicine (NIH). I just got off the phone with neuroscientist Elizabeth Sowell PhD who leads a ABCD study site at Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles. I have some important information to share.

​Read More

1) Understand the difference between what is dangerous and what is just private!  Telling kids that if they share private information something bad will happen doesn’t resonate at all.  They know plenty of people who use their real name on e-mail accounts and nothing bad has happened. Spouting off about their addresses, the school they go to, or their current whereabouts is a terrible habit and should be avoided. However, drawing too much attention and developing relationships with people online they don’t know is truly unsafe behavior!

2) Create a contract the whole family can live with.  Download the Acceptable Use Policy to get the process started.  It’s not just a contract your child needs to sign, but rather a working document that requires the whole family to discuss how you will LIVE WITH TECHNOLOGY.

3) Change the conversation from device specific to desired behaviors:

1. Privacy: What is a shareable moment/event?
2. Friends: What is the difference between someone you may share a common interest with on a game or blogging site, versus a true friend that you know and trust?
3. Balance: There is a time, a place, and a tool for everything.  Finding the right combination is important.

4) Get the devices out of your rooms while you sleep: It affects the production of melatonin, keeps your brain active, and also makes it hard to fall asleep.  Binge watching, checking in, or sending one last post or picture can set bedtime back hours!

5) Charging Pads/Stations: Rather than constantly trying to take away the technology…  Let the technology live on charging pads or in a designated charging area in the kitchen or laundry room.  When the kids want or need it, all they have to do is ask.  That way you can ask what they want or need it for, and for how long.  This makes you more a part of their online world. Create Tech-Free spaces/events so that everyone has an opportunity to disconnect from the device and reconnect with the people around them.  The dinner table, short car trips, and while in the midst of having a face-to-face conversation with you is a great place to start!

6) The Internet is a community: The largest community we will ever visit with more than 1 trillion places to go, and more that 2 billion people there.  If you wouldn’t let your child walk out your front door and not ask them where they are going — why would you let them wander this vast community without at least asking where they are going?  Not every place online is meant for your child, so make sure you talk about the net as a community, and decide where they can go and with whom they can communicate.  For your little ones, try kidrex.org as your preferred search engine.  It’s not perfect, but it can make the web a little bit smaller.

7) Test it/Try it/Change it: Just because you have been doing something the same way forever, doesn’t mean that you can’t change.  If you are not happy with the behavior, let your child know, “we need to make a change because your behavior isn’t working for me, for right now…”

8) Self-Control…the App: It's tough for teens to exercise self-control when it comes to multitasking behavior — so try using Self-Control, Freedom, Forest or other distraction blocking software or app to help stop yourself from being interrupted by your own multi-tasking behavior.

9) ABC all tech!:  Ask for it, Bring me along, Check first.  Rather than learning about new apps after they have already been installed, set up restrictions (either verbally or within the settings of the device) to stop kids from downloading new apps (or creating accounts) before they Ask.  This way they Bring you along so you can Check first, and decide if the app/account is right for your child.

10) Go where they go!  If your child is into gaming, you should be too.  If they love to Instagram, Tweet, Blog, or Youtube, you should understand how it works so you can decide on appropriate guidelines. Spend a little time with them doing what they do.

Lori Getz, M.A., is an educator, mother, and Internet safety expert.  She has appeared on the “Dr. Phil Show,” “Today,” “HLN,” “Dr. Drew,” and several other local news and radio programs (including the Ryan Seacrest show on KIIS FM).  She often lectures live, speaking to parents, teachers, and students across the country. Lori is the author of The Tech Savvy User's Guide to the Digital World, a workbook for tweens and teens about their digital lives, and has been published in several areas, including as an online expert for Kidsinthehouse.com. Lori was also featured in Rachel Simmons new edition of “Odd Girl Out.” Her insight comes from both her professional and personal life working with children, tweens, and teens.